It has been my experience ... and perhaps my experience alone ... that the differences between men and women are not all that difficult to navigate. I don't particularly feel the need to read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus ... or keep up-to-date on the latest psychological studies that spend years observing the differences between the genders. For one ... I don't really care. For another ... you shouldn't either.
One of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld is the one where George is explaining "shrinkage" to Elaine. Elaine scoffs and walks away saying, "I don't know how you guys can walk around with those things." Love it ... and so on point!
Quite honestly ... I really, really like being a girl. Sure there are some inconveniences that come along with having two X chromosomes ... I could really have done without the monthly menstrual cycle ... and childbirth could be a little easier ... but all in all, being a girl is pretty awesome. The clothes are cuter ... the shoes and handbags are to die for ... we can cry our way out of speeding tickets ... and we can walk into a bar with nothing but a cute outfit and a group of girlfriends and not have to spend one dime of our own money on drinks. And that's just a few of the perks.
Another of the perks to being a member of the female gender is that our communication skills are far superior to our male counterparts. If you could be a fly on the wall at any of the BFF Breakfasts that the peeps and I participate in ... you will find that women have their own language. A sentence does not have to be completed or even make absolute sense ... the other women in the group get it ... with no need for lengthy explanation. A man eavesdropping from the booth behind us may not understand one thing that is being said ... and truth be told, we like it that way.
You see ... my husband doesn't really want to tag along to the nail salon and have a mani/pedi and then on to a 4-hour lunch where the discussion revolves around last night's episode of The Bachelor. And I don't particularly want to tag along with him to a log sale and then on to an hour lunch wherein the discussion revolves around different species of logs and how many board feet is in each log, etc.
Women and men are different ... and God really knew what he was doing there. I have said it before and I will say it again ... my husband is not my BFF. But how many times have you and your girlfriends dedicated your 4-hour lunch pondering the subject of how clueless men seem to be? How many times have you gotten angry with your husband, son, boss, any member of the male species really ... only to come to the realization that none of them can seem to figure out why you're angry in the first place? How many times have you looked at your spouse when he is keeping you awake in the middle of the night with his incessant snoring and thought ... what the Hell was I thinking? Or is that just me?
Let's examine the differences in men and women through a media which I understand ... the movies. Let's play a game I like to call The Hangover vs. Something's Gotta Give. Two movies ... two very different demographics.
The Hangover portrays four men in their late 30's on their way to Vegas for a bachelor party. Hijinks ensue and due to the irresponsible nature of the men's behavior, the groom almost misses his wedding day. It's hysterical ... one of my favorite movies to turn to when I need a good laugh. I actually will never be able to pronounce the word "re-tard" the same again. And it's actually a pretty accurate ... if not exaggerated ... portrayal of most of the men I know. And that alone makes me think that it's high time I broaden my social circle.
These men are on a quest ... to act like fools ... get drunk ... hook up with a young lady or two or three ... to regain the glory of their youth. And while it's funny to watch on screen ... it's not so funny in real life. Because in real life, while the men head out to relive their glory days in search of a young lady or two or three that will make them feel young again ... there is usually a bright, beautiful woman in her 30's, 40's or 50's left behind ... alone ... heartbroken ... while he flits off to sow his wild oats.
Okay ... I'm getting off my soap box now.
Something's Gotta Give is a story about a mature woman with a grown daughter, divorced (and the story never gives a clear explanation for the dissolution of the marriage) who is highly successful, independent, intelligent, funny and beautiful. This woman falls in love with a man in his 60's and is being courted by another man in his early 40's. She wants a long-term relationship with the older man but he is terrified of committment and wants to date younger women. While she is flattered by the attention of the younger man, the age difference isn't something she can seem to get past.
The themes of each of these movies are actually quite similar as they each depict the stereo-typical man in the throes of crisis ... having no idea how long each of these men are projected to live ... I cannot predict their specific crises to be "mid life" in nature ... but in crises nonetheless. And please do not crucify me for pointing out that men seem to speed down the mid life crisis highway holding the hand of a "trophy" wife while their other hand clutches the steering wheel of a brand new Porsche. It's a story as old as time ... and a tired cliche. Do not shoot the messenger.
In Something's Gotta Give, however, we see how this mature, successful, intelligent, now single woman travels through her life ... and you know what? She's fine. She's more than fine. She's fabulous. She has a true sense of herself and doesn't need a man to complete her life ... moreover she's looking for a man who will enhance it.
It was during one of the many screenings of The Hangover that I had an epiphany. The main difference between men and women is that men seem to be clinging on for dear life to their youth while women are content to grow older.
Maybe we women don't particularly appreciate the appearance of crow's feet, the gray hairs we find when plucking our eyebrows or combing our hair, the thicker hips, the loss of skin elasticity which creates that pucker of skin on the elbow and knees and the waddle on the neck. But I bet if you asked most women of a "certain age" if given the chance to go back and be 20 years old again ... the answer would be no. If you ask most men of a "certain age" the same question ... they would say Hell yes!
I often have a recurring nightmare in which I am back in high school. When I say that this is a nightmare ... I am being completely honest. The thought of going back to high school is a complete and utter nightmare ... one time in my life that I would never choose to relive. I wasn't particularly traumatized or bullied ... but the thought of having to go through all of that bad skin, bad hair and insecurity again makes me slightly sick to my stomach. I also don't want to go back to my 20's ... to the two-bedroom walk-up apartment with the hand-me-down furniture and flea market finds. Nor my 30's. And I am pretty confident when the next ten years have passed, I will not want to go back and start my 40's over again either. Even though the birthday party was pretty spectacular ...
I have said every year when my kids have had a birthday that this is my "favorite" age. I said it when they were 6 months old, 2 years old, 8 years old, 14 years old, 17 years old, etc. Because it is. Every year I spend with these two miracles that I brought into this world is better than the year before. Even now that they are teenagers and the teenage years are supposed to be horrible ... because this has not been my experience. There are times when they test my patience with everything that they have ... but overall, every day is more enjoyable than the last.
And I feel the same way about my own life. Yes, some years were better than others. I could have done without some of the drama, the heartbreak, the tough times. But all of life's experiences have led to me to the person I am today. And I like who I am today.
I am happy to leave the part-time jobs at McDonald's, the crappy apartments, first-time home buying, pregnancies and baby-raising to those that have yet to experience it. I like knowing where my life is heading and know that any curve balls that come my way can be hit way out of the park because I am stronger, smarter and able to stand on my own at this age better than when I was young. That's one of the great things about being a girl ... we started maturing faster than the boys at a young age and never stopped.
I don't know why a lot of men suffer from a mid life crisis by trading in their wives for a newer model ... I think maybe it's because they have spent a majority of their adult life working and supporting a family and tire of the responsibility and go looking for greener pastures. Chris Rock once said that "men are only as faithful as their options." Think Donald Trump and his string of supermodel wives ... each one younger than the last. He's not a good-looking man ... but he has a lot of options when it comes to securing a young trophy wife.
Quite honestly, if I had all of Trump's money, my mid life crisis would be centered around shopping for a new refrigerator or vacation home in lieu of a new husband. But that's just me ...
And quite frankly, the thought of dating again seems exhausting. Not to mention the whole new crop of cougars that have arrived on the dating scene. I really can't imagine carrying on a relationship with a man 20 years my junior and spending my evenings playing Halo on the XBox 360 or going to "keggers" on a Friday night. Blech.
I am certainly not trying to imply that all men who suffer a mid life crisis leave their wives for newer models. I am not. Nor am I trying to imply that men are the only ones who suffer a mid life crisis and uproot entire lives in search of something bigger and better. I am not. Women do it too ...
Men are not your enemy ... even Gloria Steinem eventually broke down and secured herself a spouse. No, they are not your enemy ... but they are not your mirror image either. And you will do yourself a great service if you figure this out and accept it sooner rather than later. My marriage became a much happier one when I stopped trying to figure my husband out ... stopped wondering why he did the things that he did ... stopped trying to figure out what was going through his mind. I stopped wondering and just asked him. Sometimes his responses were enlightening ... others left me completely baffled and confused.
I don't know why he finds South Park so hilarious. He doesn't know why I become so emotionally invested in the lives of contestants on reality shows. And I eventually realized that it doesn't really matter. He is his own person. His decisions are his decisions ... and his reasons are his own reasons. And mine are my own as well ... and clearly better. :)
I appreciate my husband's perspective when I'm trying to solve a particularly perplexing problem. I appreciate his ability to take emotions out of the decision making process. I appreciate his immature sense of humor and his ability to take a situation from serious to hilarious in a matter of moments. I appreciate that he pushes me to take big risks and to stand on my own two feet ... and I appreciate that he is there to catch me when I fall.
I am not naive enough to believe that a life-changing mid life crisis may not be somewhere in my husband's future ... that I am irreplaceable. Nor am I naive enough to believe that it wouldn't hurt like Hell and send me reeling. I have seen it happen to women that I love time and time again. What I do know, however, is that I am one tough cookie. Have a much better understanding of what it is I am capable of and a sisterhood of friends that would be there to see me through.
Men and women are different ... we don't always understand each other. Men tend to like being the "big man on campus," tend to rely on no one but themselves. That's one of the great things about being a girl ... because you have other women to lean on for comfort and support and women you look up to as mentors. Women understand each other while men are left scratching their heads in confusion.
When I was in the process of potty-training my daughter, my son, a whole year older than she was and successfully out of diapers, wanted to help. When we went into the bathroom, I pulled down my daughter's "big girl pants" and put her on the potty. My son looked at me and said "where's her thing?" and pointed at her legs. I said, "she's a girl ... she doesn't have one." He looked me square in the eyes and said "Well I have no idea what to do with that ..." and turned and ran out of the bathroom. An excellent example of how men, having no idea what to make of us, run in the opposite direction when they don't understand what we as women are all about.
Jane Fonda once said that "the day you quit growing as a person is the day they bury you in the ground." That's the great thing about being a girl ... you can keep on growing ... keep on chasing your dreams ... making new dreams when the old ones don't come to fruition. Because women are strong ... a lot stronger than most of the men I know. Don't believe me? Go and spend the weekend with a single mom ...
So the next time someone tells you that you that you "throw like a girl," ... smile and say thank you. Because it's great to be a girl ...
© 2010-2011 Melanie L. Miller All Rights Reserved
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