The Times They Are A Changing ...

Turning 40 has been life changing in several different ways for the Divine Mrs M.  My daughter, my baby, is turning 16 this week and last week was her super sweet 16 party ... a Mardi Gras theme that turned out to be as lovely and as special as I had planned.  You never know what you are going to get when you get 70+ teenagers aged 15 - 18 gathered together in one fancy hotel ballroom ... but I am happy to announce that they were very well-behaved and I believe a good time was had by all. 

Watching your youngest child reach their 16th birthday gives way to a mix of emotions.  Excitement for them to reach this rite of passage and sadness that there are only a few years left before they leave the nest to start the next chapter in their life.  Add on to that a son who is 17, on the final stretch of his junior year of high school and heading too quickly toward his senior year, taking SATs and reviewing college choices and you have one sad mama. 

Awhile back I published a post in regard to the fact that I am now entering the autumn of my life.  I have done a lot of soul searching and praying since publishing that post and have made some very daring decisions as to the direction I want my life to lead as I approach this new season.  As I had mentioned in that post, the days of being CEO of the Divine Mrs M's household is winding down and heading toward its expiration date.  With that in mind, I have made the decision to leave the comfort and safety of my current job and dive head first into the college pool and finally finish the degree I started as a part-time student way back in 1996. 

I have waffled back and forth over this decision for quite some time.  At a time when unemployment rates are at an all-time high and the economy is iffy at best, I, the crazy and perhaps slightly unstable, Divine Mrs M is voluntarily choosing to leave the workforce and follow the road less traveled. 

I have a dear friend who chose to turn her whole life topsy-turvy right around the time of our 20th high school reunion.  I spent some time with her at a wedding right before she made these life-changing decisions ... and while she didn't mention what she was planning at the time, she did say something that really stuck with me.  We were talking about the upcoming reunion and how we were looking forward to becoming reacquainted with friends we had lost touch with along the path of higher education, relocation, marriages, children, etc.  We were going through the list of classmates we were going to be seeing and, as is par for the course for all women around class reunion time, worried what people would be thinking when they saw that we no longer looked exactly as our 18 year old selves once did ... and were now what I always refer to as being "swollen" versions of ourselves.

My dear friend confided in me that she had recently began walking/running again.  When I asked if she was doing it in hopes of losing some weight before the reunion, she said no.  And this is the part that will forever be stuck with me ... she said she had decided that it was time for her to, " ... do something for me.  Just me."  I found that to be very profound ... mature ... brave. 

Women are caretakers by nature ... and this is actually a recurring theme here on this website.  But it's the truth and cannot be avoided.  Some of us are more independent than others and may not get overwhelmed and bogged down by the daily routine of taking care of those around us.  But my friend, like I, had shifted her needs to the bottom of the daily "to do list," and eventually snapped out of her caretaker fog and decided it was time to make a change.  To focus on her needs ... her wants.  And she started by focusing on feeling better about herself and hit the pavement running ... well, she admitted it was really walking at first ... but eventually worked her way up to running. 

And then my friend, the text book Leave it to Beaver at-home mom, went back to work ... full-time ... as a nurse ... once again using that college degree she had worked so hard to earn.  And then she made the hardest decision of all ... to leave her long-term marriage to her high school sweetheart.  A heart-breaking decision made with careful consideration ... and coming to the harsh realization that the union while safe and comfortable was not a happy one and if she was taking the time to be honest with herself, it was a decision she should have made years earlier.  But everything in its own time. 

All of these decisions were made over the course of years ... not months or weeks.  And the cycle of change started slowly ... with the running ... taking time every day and doing something just for her ... and using that time to clear her mind and focus on where she wanted life to lead her. 

I have found that you can become complacent in every area of your life ... you will order the same food over and over again at your favorite restaurant because you know you won't be disappointed ... never choosing to try something new; you will stay in the same job for years and years and years, not concerned with growing or branching out and doing something different, because you know how to do this job and it's a comfortable fit; you will continue to sit in the third pew at the same church you and your family have attended since you were a small child week after week even though the church isn't headed in the same direction that your faith is pushing you to go ... but you are comfortable there and don't want to offend your pastor, members of the congregation, etc.; you will continue to remain in relationships that have become toxic or have passed their expiration dates because you are comfortable in the relationship, even if it hurts, because the pain is familiar and more comfortable than making a break; and you will continue to remain overweight and not put forth the effort it takes to lose that weight because you are comfortable with your sedentary lifestyle and are too afraid to walk into that meeting ... or that gym ... or to take that exercise class. 

The fear of change can hinder your ability to live life to the fullest.  I will confess something to you that may sound absolutely ridiculous but is my truth nonetheless.  I love to shop ... and I mean that with my whole heart ... I love, love, love to shop.  But the only place I feel comfortable shopping for myself when it comes to clothing is at "The Big Girl Store."  That's what I call it ... it's a mainstream shop for the big girls located in every shopping mall across America.  The sales girls know me by name.  They know my kids names and ages as they have spent several hours lounging on the couches outside of the dressing room waiting for me to finish making my selections.  I like that their clothing is not centered around senior citizen fashion and they have hip and trendy size W choices.  I am comfortable there.  If and when this weight ever comes off of my size W frame, I have to find another store to spend my money in.  And I like the Big Girl Store. 

I told you it was ridiculous.  But it really does enter my psyche ... the thought of changing where it is that I shop.  It's crazy ... and it's a roadblock on my path to success.  And it took me a long time to actually admit that it was hindering my success.  And I wonder what roadblocks are in your path that are stopping you from accomplishing your goals. 

Now back to my friend ... I am pleased to say that this woman, this amazing woman, is more beautiful now than she was 20 years ago.  She did lose that pesky weight ... but that is not the reason that she is beautiful.  She is beautiful because she is happy ... truly happy.  Her happiness shines through her whole self.  She is living on her own ... in a new relationship ... continues to be the most amazing mother to her three amazing children ... and is in love with her career outside of the home.  I truly believe that she is living her best life as her best self.  And living your best life as your best self takes courage.  A lot of chutzpah. 

There are always people who are going to give you grief over the changes you are making.  I have gotten a lot of negative feedback regarding my decision to leave my job.  Your size W friends may actually lend a hand in sabotaging your weight loss efforts ... because they are comfortable with you as you are ... and afraid of what will happen to your friendship if you no longer share the same dress size.  If your marriage ends, people are bound to have an opinion ... good or bad.  I guess the thing with getting older is ... who cares?  You only get one shot to live your life on this earth ... do what you need to do to enjoy every moment. 

I believe in God ... I ask him for guidance ...  and when I am afraid, I have to remind myself that He has a plan for me ... and it isn't always necessary for me to know exactly what that plan is.  Because He knows.  And that's all I really need to know. 

I don't know where you are at in your journey in this life ... and I don't know if you have a higher power you rely on to guide you down your path.  What I do know is that you cannot allow fear and all of the "what ifs" to keep you from expanding your horizons and living your best life.  I have allowed the fear of failure to stop me from achieving my goals ... giving up on myself too easily.  And that holds true in all areas of my life.  I am not going to accept that any longer.

What I have found is that by making this one major change and feeling the weight of that decision finally being lifted from my shoulders that the physical weight I have been carrying around is starting to be lifted as well.  I believe that I have a lot of internal baggage I have been carrying around that has transpired itself into an actual physical weight gain.  By not being able to truly commit to choosing change ... I have kept myself trapped inside my safe, comfortable, size W bubble. 

Well ... I am popping that bubble ... heading out into the unknown ... and the times they are a changing ...

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