Alone.
This blog post won't be packed full of witty observations or the lighter fare which my readers have come to expect of me. However, this is an important blog post for me to share so that I may move forward and get back to my old creative self.
So, my dear readers, I have been noticeably absent in my postings of late and much has transpired in my life since I left you last. I did take that leap of faith and strayed away from my comfort zone and left my job to pursue my college degree as a full-time student ... and just three days later, my husband left our household.
My husband has been plagued by a lot of demons over the course of many years and the nature of these demons are not mine to divulge. That is strictly his story to tell. However, his abrupt decision to depart came as quite a shock (and that's putting it mildly). And since rumors tend to spread like wildfire ... I would like to be the one who authors this tale... straight from the horse's mouth so to speak.
I will not go into the details that have led to this separation as there are only four people in this world who need such detail ... my husband, my children and I. What I will say, however, is that my husband is not a bad man ... not a bad husband ... not a bad father. Quite the opposite actually. But as I mentioned above, he has demons to conquer ... and he feels the need to find a way to fight them ... on his own.
And as I have mentioned to you on several occasions ... I struggle with letting go and letting God ... and this has been a test of major magnitude. Allowing my husband to be himself ... allowing him to go on this journey alone. I pray every day that God will walk my husband through this dark valley and carry him through safely to the other side. And what I have learned through much prayer and meditation is that God is the potter ... not me ... and it is necessary that I allow God to continue working in my life and to open my heart so that He can show me the path he has paved for me and my family. I would be lying if I said that this road is not a difficult one. I have had many moments of complete despair. And I will have many more. But faith, hope and love keep me plugging along.
I have openly used my husband in many of my anecdotes since the inception of this blog ... making witty references that my husband is not my BFF and that the union of marriage involves a lot of hard work. And I did once attest to the fact that the only way two people stay married and stay together is because they both want to ... and I stand by that today. Because love is freely given ... and cannot be forced.
My husband and I still love each other ... very much. We love our children very much and are still parenting them together ... and are both very active in helping them get through the enormous amount of change they are being subjected to. We are still very close friends ... we talk daily. We even spent the recent Easter Sunday holiday together as a family. Because we are a family ... a family that, unfortunately, no longer resides together under one roof ... but a family nonetheless. Our separation did not generate from a lack of love ... but sometimes, I suppose, love isn't always enough.
So why share this very personal tidbit with all of you, one might ask. Well, because when I began writing this blog, I felt compelled to be completely honest about my life ... and I have no explanation as to why I felt that way. But the overwhelming number of responses I have received to my silly little posts have led me to believe that I was called to begin this blog for a reason. That I had struck a chord within many of you. So to withhold this important piece of my particular puzzle would hinder me from being true to myself ... and not being true to myself is something that I will not allow.
So with that thought firmly planted in my mind and with the support and encouragement from the "peeps" who are convinced that I have a talent for writing ... I have decided to once again make my debut into the blogging world.
One afternoon over one of our three-hour lunches, the peeps were in their "you need to get back to writing" mode and we were throwing around ideas for the title of my next blog entry. Some of the titles tossed around were ... "Did You Hear About The M's?" ... "The Times They Are A Changing, Part Deux" ... and my personal favorite ... "Holy Sh*t, Have I Got A Story For You!" As you can see, however, none of the aforementioned titles made the cut.
I started this blog because I wanted to share my personal journey into my 40th year as a woman who had a love/hate relationship with age and the bathroom scale. Yes, I still have a love/hate relationship with that pesky bathroom scale ... well, not just the bathroom scale ... I would have a similar relationship with a scale if it were say, in the living room or dining room for that matter ... or in a doctor's office. You get the idea.
What started out as a silly little way to kill the time and make people laugh has actually become so much more. I have shared with you my thoughts, feelings and discoveries about being in the autumn of my life. About how important it is for we, as women (and perhaps my one or two male readers) to take time out for themselves. To take time to enjoy their life. To find time to exercise ... to read ... to write ... to follow their passion ... to try something new. None of which I gave much thought to until I started putting my thoughts down in writing. Obviously, at the time I had absolutely no way of knowing how this story would unfold ... or that I would find myself with exactly this much time on my hands in order to focus on myself. But c'est la vie.
I had some reservations about writing about this subject ... felt it might embarrass my husband or my children. And then I realized that I feel comfortable sharing this portion of my life with you because I have nothing to be ashamed of ... I did everything that I knew how to do to be a good partner ... a good wife ... a good mother. And I have not failed. This is yet another chapter in my life ... and the rest of this particular chapter remains unwritten. And by sharing it ... I can be free ... free to move forward and free to be creative.
If you are someone like my husband and have demons to conquer ... you know you become lost ... broken ... and lose a sense of self. You need to "find yourself" so to speak. And this is where the title of this blog was born ... because I find myself to be fortunate. For I am not lost. I may be broken but I am not defeated ... and I have a very strong sense of self. I know that I am a strong, confident, independent woman who is 40, fabulous and fat (although on a plus side I have lost 16 pounds since all of this went down ... which I definitely wouldn't recommend to any of you ... nor will I patent it as a fast-track to weight loss). I have a lot of work to do on myself ... because I have been part of a "we" for 19 years and am on shaky ground when it comes to just being an "I." I will figure it out.
I am still heading off to school this fall in order to finish my college degree ... I am still on a mission to conquer these extra pounds ... and the lost weight I mentioned above which began as a reaction to stress, I was able to turn into a positive by labling it as a "jump start" to a healthier attitude ... walking whenever I start to feel alone and sorry for myself. I am still going to maintain this blog ... because I love it ... and I believe that perhaps someone out there might benefit from my experience and the hiccups along the way. Tomorrow I will be attending a Zumba class at Curves with the Sargent ... which should provide for a much more entertaining blog post in the future. And I still have my sense of humor and the ability to enjoy my life ... despite my circumstances.
No, I don't need to "find myself," because I am right here ... in the palm of God's hand ... and headed wherever He decides to take me. And arent' you lucky? You get to go alone for the ride ;)
© 2010-2011 Melanie L. Miller All Rights Reserved
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