If you are spending this Valentine's Day cuddled up close to the one you love, exchanging chocolates, flowers, jewelry, sweet nothings and kisses ... then this blog is not for you. Move on. Skip It. Revisit it on a day when you are feeling less than amorous. But by all means ... do not continue ... it's going to spoil your good mood.
We are all familiar with the fairytale of Humpty Dumpty ...
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together Again."
And that, my friends, is where the Divine Mrs. M. finds herself on Valentine's Day 2012.
Despite the fact that I have been able to maintain a positive attitude throughout this past year and all of its developments, I'm finding this particular holiday a little bit challenging.
Valentine's Day in the Divine Mrs. M's household was never about Mr. & Mrs. M celebrating their personal love and affection for each other ... it was about celebrating the family that was created through that love. Valentine's Day was a family affair. The Divine Mrs. M would spend the day preparing a gourmet meal with a heart shaped cake for dessert. I would serve the dinner to my family in the formal dining room where we would eat on our finest china and drink sparkling juice from crystal wine glasses. We would all exchange Valentine's cards, flowers, candy and silly little presents like stuffed animals that sang love songs. After clearing the table, we would gather, just the four of us, around the TV and finish the evening cuddling together on the couch as a family watching a movie. As the kids grew older, they knew that Valentine's Day was a family holiday. No significant others allowed. It was a tradition I cherished and now that tradition has been changed forever.
Here's something that no one ever told me. Divorce isn't just about mourning the loss of your husband/wife, marriage and relationship. No. It's so much more than that. It's mourning the loss of life as you knew it. The loss of your family.
We will never be a family again the way we used to be. A close-knit foursome with inside jokes and hundreds of little traditions that meant nothing to anyone other than us that were created over a period of 18 years together. That's a tough pill to swallow.
The five stages of grief are real. First is shock and denial ... and I admit that I stayed in this stage a little longer than was healthy. Then comes the anger ... and you need to be careful with this one ... it's important to express your anger in a way that's not harmful to you or others ... writing all of your deep, nasty thoughts in a journal does wonders for the soul. You can't hang on to the anger for too long or you will wind up being bitter. Then comes bargaining. The period where you say "if only I had done this" or "if only I had done that." "I will do this if you will do that." It is imperative that you have good friends around you during this phase or you will find yourself losing your dignity and self-respect. Not good. Fourth comes the depression. Lord. I would so much rather be angry than depressed. But according to the "experts," you have to allow yourself to feel your feelings ... no matter how horrible those feelings may be. And last but not least ... acceptance.
The problem with these steps is that they really don't occur in that particular order ... and just like an alcoholic ... you can relapse back into a previous step if you aren't careful. It's a process. Not a science.
For example ... Valentine's Day kind of snuck up on me. Obviously I know how to read a calendar. I knew it was February and I knew it was approaching ... but I chose to DENY that it was really going to happen this year. Yesterday I got ANGRY because I knew I wasn't going to be able to carry on the tradition that has been occurring in this household for as long as any of us can remember. Yes, we can still have a gourmet meal. Yes we can still drink out of crystal wine glasses. Yes we can still exchange cards and gifts. Yes we can still have a family movie night. What we cannot have is the fourth member of our family join us. He's moved on. He has another Valentine to celebrate with this year. And this makes me ANGRY (and I'm being polite). Forget the bargaining ... that's soooo not going to happen and slide right into depression.
That's where I am at. Depressed. Too much information? Well, if you have read any of my previous blogs you will know that I have never been shy. I am not just depressed because it's Valentine's Day. That would just be silly. It's a day. 24 hours.
No, I have done my time in the first 3 stages of Hell and have landed smack dab in the middle of depression. And that's where we find Humpty Dumpty. When you are walking along that brick wall leading through the first three stages of grief, it isn't until you hit depression that you lose your footing and you fall. And you shatter. Into a million little pieces. Pieces of your shattered heart, shattered dreams and shattered life are all around you. And all the king's horses and all the king's men (a/k/a the peeps and other close friends) cannot put you back together again.
That's my job. And I work at gluing the bits and pieces of myself back together again each and every day. While I have mentioned before that I am not a wallower, I admit that I have allowed myself to wallow in self-pity from time to time. It doesn't last long. It's counterproductive. Nope. I just get up and pick a piece of myself up off of the floor and glue it to a piece that's strong enough to hold on to it.
What I have come to realize through this process of piecing myself back together again is that while the pieces of the puzzle haven't changed ... the shape they are taking on as they are put back together again have. I am not the same person that I was when I started this journey ... I have lost my husband, the dreams we had together and the idea of what our family once was. But I have a whole new puzzle to build now. Piece by piece I am learning to have new dreams and a new idea of what my family can be. And that is the greatest gift of all ... to know that you may be broken but you don't have to choose to stay that way. You can choose to get up and put yourself back together again. No one is going to do it for you ... you have to do it for yourself.
So let's change the fairytale:
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Watched in awe as Humpty put himself together again.
With that being said, let me leave you with a little bit of wisdom from one of my favorite singers, Adele ... "Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior, standing on my own two feet." So if you happen to be where I'm at this Valentine's Day ... do yourself a favor. Get up. Stand on your own two feet. Pick yourself up piece by piece, hour by hour, day by day ... eventually you will reach stage five ... acceptance. I, for one, cannot wait to get there and be new and whole again. God Bless!
