A Year in Review ...

What a year!  Who knew that when I started this itty bitty blog that my life would take such a U-turn.  But it did.  I have taken time to mourn.  I have taken time to reflect.  And this is my year in review ...

Well ... the whole purpose of this blog was to share my weight loss experience with you.  So ... I am pleased to report that in the past year I have shed a total of 242.9 pounds.  That's right ... you read correctly.  242.9 pounds.  42.9 pounds from my frame and 200 pounds of husband. 

Okay ... so that wasn't very nice ... but I said that one night when having a "girls night in" with the peeps and they thought it was hysterical ... maybe it's just us and you had to be there ... but, whatever, I thought I'd throw it in.

2011 was a year of changes ... some good ... some not so great.  One thing I can say, however, is that change, while not always welcome, is sometimes necessary. 

My body has changed.  And that's a good thing.  But no matter how much it changes, it also stays the same.  Why is it that while I have dropped almost 43 pounds (that darn .1 keeping me from 43 is the universe's sick sense of humor), I still have a pot belly, bread basket, rump in front, whatever you want to call it?  Yes, I no longer wear a size W ... but the secretary spread remains firmly in place making me look wider than I think I should.  But if you are a loyal reader ... you realize that this is the least of my problems. 

Actually this isn't so much a problem as an annoyance.  Humor me and close your eyes for a moment.  Put a picture in your mind of what you would/will look like when you reach your fantasy goal weight.  What do you look like?  Me?  I look 18.  See ... that's the annoyance.  I know it's not possible to look 18 when you are 41.  Unless you are married to a very rich man and have the resources to enlist the employment of nutritionists, personal trainers and plastic surgeons.  I know that.  But I still am surprised when the clothes come off and the much thinner version of myself isn't 18. 

My sister-in-law says that losing weight makes you look good in clothes.  Exercise makes you look good naked.  I guess I am just going to have to always be clothed.  Preferably in layers. It's one of the reasons I actually like living in a cold climate.  Turtlenecks are always an option.  Although my path is paved with good intentions ... I still hate to exercise.  Hate.  Loathe.  Despise.  That's one change I can't seem to make. 

I quit my job and started college full-time.  That's one change I don't regret.  I like school.  Always have.  And I am forever grateful that going back to pursue my degree is a viable option.  Not everyone is so lucky. 

But college, along with the secretary spread, is another constant reminder that I am not 18.  Pulling all-nighters studying and trying to comprehend linear algebra being taught to you by a professor who is 26 and has a name like a leprechaun (Kory Kilburne) is not for the faint of heart.  Nothing can humble a 41-year-old mother of two more than having her teenage son and daughter tutor her in said linear algebra and my other arch nemesis ... biology.  On a side note, however, spreading the books out on the kitchen table while everyone does their homework made for a new kind of "family night" in the Divine Mrs. M's household.  Not so unpleasant. 

While the evil leprechaun managed to take a bite out of the 4.0 GPA I was able to hold onto all of the years I had taken evening classes leading up to full-time student status, I managed to finish my first semester with good grades, a great sense of accomplishment and a math book burning ceremony. 

Now that my math and science requirements are fulfilled, I am actually looking forward to semester number two.  With maybe the exception of the PE class.  Did you know that I have to pay a ridiculous amount of money to take a walking class?  Yea.  A walking class.  What in the world am I going to learn in a walking class?  I learned to walk at 9 months.  For free I might add.  I think after 40 years and 3 months I've pretty much got the whole walking thing down.  I guess you will have to stay tuned ...

The above changes can definitely be filed in the positive column but I cannot, however, round out my year in review without including the two changes that can be filed in the not so positive column.  Separation.  And the BFF's cancer.  I mention them together because there is no way to distinguish them apart.  Both sucked.  End of story.  Sucked. 

But here's the thing.  And please wait while I climb up onto my soap box. 

As I mentioned above, change, while not always welcome, is sometimes necessary.  And please do not take that the wrong way.  I am in no way implying that my husband and I separating or the fact that my BFF got cancer was necessary.  Absolutely not.  However, both of these game-changers have taught me more about myself than I could have ever learned without them. 

Allow me to let you in on a little secret.  The BFF's cancer diagnosis was more terrifying to me than the thought of losing my marriage.  It's true.  It sounds wrong, I know.  And I don't mean to diminish the love I have for my husband.  I don't.  But the word "cancer" is quite possibly the worst word in the English language.  And the fact that it was now attached to my BFF's name was unthinkable.  The fact that we can now add the word "survivor" to that awful word is a blessing beyond measure.  And while my BFF's life may have been saved through the skillful hands of surgeons and modern medical technology ... my life was saved when I knew that she was going to be okay. 

Cancer puts everything into perspective.  And while I was not the one on the receiving end of the horrible diagnosis ... cancer changed my life forever. 

I could have hidden under the covers and fallen into a great depression when my husband left.  I could have sat on a couch and felt sorry for myself and cried 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I could have.  But I didn't.  There wasn't any time for it.  And for that ... I am grateful. 

My separation and the cancer brought out the best in the peeps.  The Sargent is the strong one ... the sensible one ... the rock.  She was the second person I called after my husband left and she pulled me out of my haze and started to go through a list of things I needed to take care of.  One day at a baseball game I was starting to lose it and she pulled me aside, took both of my hands in hers, looked me in the eye and said "buck up buttercup."  Exactly what I needed to hear in order to snap out of it and get back to the business of living.  My rock.  We were all together when the cancer diagnosis came in.  And again, the Sargent took over.  She told us there was nothing we could do to change it and we were going to deal with it.  Together.  Our rock.

The BFF's best qualities are her compassion and her inner strength.  She was the first one I called after my husband left.  She was away with her family on a mini vacation.  She talked to me for hours.  She cried with me.  She answered the phone at 4 a.m. when I was at my most vulnerable and talked to me until the sun came up.  She let me come over and cry on her couch and made sure my coffee cup was never empty and her ears were never closed.  When cancer came along ... I returned the favor to the best of my ability.  Although she is and always will be a better person than I am. 

Throughout the BFF's recovery I found that I became my best self.  While the Sargent is the rock ... I am the comic relief.  I could make the Sargent and BFF laugh when things started to become too serious by regaling them with the adventures of the 41-year old single-mother full-time college student. 

My separation and the BFF's diagnosis of cancer sucked.  No doubt about it.  But in the end, the peeps became closer.  Which I didn't realize was even possible.  Ask anyone that knows us and they will tell you we are a tightly knit group.  But we became closer.  We spend more time together.  We are more considerate of one another.  We laugh a whole lot more.  I have said it before and I will say it again ... some people are lucky if they find their soul mate ... I was lucky enough to find two. 

I recently read a book by Joel Osteen.  My grandmother used to call him the "smiley" preacher.  He smiles all the time (at least on TV).  It's annoying.  Or at least I thought it was until I picked up his book.  In his book he says that God has a plan for your life (which I always knew by the way) and sometimes he brings people into your life for a season.  When that season is over you have to let those people go ... and if you don't let them go ... God can't introduce the people who are meant to be in your life for the next season.  Interesting. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I believe marriage should be forever.  I believe that with my whole heart.  However, just because I believe it doesn't mean that I can make it happen on my own.  Nope.  I can't.  I have come to the conclusion that I will never fully understand why my marriage didn't make it all the way to the finish line.  And I was torturing myself with all of the whys and what ifs when I read the best thing I have ever read in this book.  Quit trying to put a question mark where God has placed a period.  So I did just that.  I quit with all of the questions and let it go.  Easier said than done I might add.  But each day I get a little better at it. 

Through the course of this separation ...  I have had the opportunity to witness God bringing people into my life for the next season.  First and foremost is God, Himself.  I am thankful that my parents gave me a good Christian upbringing.  I may have not always walked the straight and narrow but through this experience, I have been able to lean on my faith and have a closer relationship with God. 

Another is the relationship I have renewed with one of my cousins.  One day in the midst of a particularly hard time, I really just had a feeling that I should contact her.  Her family's faith and strength have been a true example to me throughout my entire life.  And she didn't let me down.  She passed no judgment and became a prayer partner to me.  I am forever grateful to have her back in my life. 

And last but certainly not least is my friend, N (I haven't been able to find a great nickname for her yet but she knows who she is).  N and I have been in and out of each other's lives since grade school.  But this year, God has granted me the true gift of her friendship.  She was actually the third person I called after my husband left.  It was late and I was feeling alone and she just hopped in her car and came to be my side.  She has included me in Friday night Circle of Friends gatherings and football Sunday afternoons at her house.  She sends me random text messages to let me know that I am on her mind.  She often tells me she's proud of me and is a constant source of encouragement and true friendship.  I have no idea what I have done to deserve having her in my life ... but I will be forever thankful that she is. 

So you see ... two tragic events that should be filed in the not so positive column have actually left me a little confused as to where they truly belong.  Because without the hardships, I wouldn't have the appreciation I have for the wonderful people who are now staples in my day-to-day life.  I wouldn't have had the courage to become my best self.  I guess some things just can't be filed. 

So that's it ... my year in review.  Wishing you all a happy and prosperous new year.  I can't wait to see what's in store for me in 2012 ... but one thing is for sure ... I will be taking you all along for the ride. 


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